Diagnosis: Heart-emia... Mushy and Chronic.

It is almost 2 months since Sister J joined us at home... We have been busy getting along with life. We have been adjusting, getting used to the new schedules with homework, housework, dealing with toddler tantrums, battling the war of the wills, and re-learning some of the toddler parenting methods.

Over the last few days I have become increasingly aware of this "feeling". It's not a pain, not an ache, not a heaviness, not pressure... maybe a kind of longing... I continue to have this need to keep holding baby girl. Is that kind of strange? I love how she sits in my lap, especially when she wakes up in the morning or after her nap. These are my favorite moments with her, mainly because that's the only time she will sit still and let me hold her, feel her soft skin, and smell her beautiful brown hair. Every single time I have these moments, I have this feeling in my heart,or may be in my stomach (in that general area, you get the idea!)... Once she is up and running during the day, I try to steal a few of these moments. When I am getting her dressed, laying her down to sleep, putting her in the tub for a bath, or lifting her up to a high seat, I steal a few hugs. I hold on to her a few moments longer and close my eyes.  The wonderful feeling returns each and EVERY time. It is like I miss her even when she is standing right in front of me. It got me thinking if this was strange, and I'm going looney. So what is the diagnosis?

I thought back to the many times I felt I just had to leave work early for an early daycare pick up simply because of something Brother J had said/did that week. Thinking of it often made my heart go mush and I missed him so bad. I couldn't stand much longer without seeing him and would call Daddy J at work to chit chat about the sweet incident. Well, then that would make daddy J want to come home early too. Just somethings that these babies do to tug at your heartstrings so hard that you just have to hold them or see them right away. Honestly, it sounds like a description from a romantic novel... Well, I wonder if that kind of feeling spreads over to the parenting realm as well.

So this feeling with Sister J, I was not sure exactly what it is. It is sort of like the feeling where your heart goes mush when it falls in love. Wait a minute! That is exactly what this is like... I love this child so much, my heart is a big goopy mess. I can't even remember if this is how I felt when I met her for the first time. Perhaps this grew over time? I am not even sure if this is strange or perfectly normal to feel this way 2 months into having her home. I'm not even sure when this started. Perhaps I will feel like this for years to come. Perhaps this is the "maternal" feeling "they" talk about. I sometimes wonder if this stems from my fear for her safety or well being with all the crazy stuff around in this world. Is it my fear of failing as a mother? Is it my sense of loss of having missed out on holding her these past 3-1/2 years? I don't know what it is, but this feeling makes me want to hold her and just squeeze her. Am I crazy? 

Why, yes I am crazy. Crazy In Love, again. Because I still find my heart aching and go mushy when my almost 9 year old does me the honor of his extremely rare cuddle sessions... (He is going to kill me for writing this... in a few years). I am so in love with my babies. That is the only explanation. There is no other diagnosis for this kind of feeling, and it may be chronic. Uh Oh!

I know this is a lousy post that no one will learn anything from. But I figured that my babies will read this when they grow up. They must know how their sweetness melted my heart over and over again! That they enrich my life in more ways than my words can ever describe.

PS: I promise I will go back and complete the backstory so I can start posting about some requests that I have gotten, including arranged marriages, my educational experience in India, my daily cookings, etc.